This is an email I received promoting Glenn Beck's new book, An Inconvenient Book. Apparently he's at #6 on Amazon.com and has learned from the politicians to attack your opponents if you run out of things to say about yourself. He did well.
If there's one thing I've learned from politicians it's that when you're out of good things to say about yourself, just start bashing your opponents. So now that my book has been released (and I'm out of things to say about it), it's time to take down my competitors. As I write this, An Inconvenient Book sits at #6 on the Amazon bestseller list. Here's a look at the drivel ahead of us:
#1 - You: Staying Young: The Owner's Manual For Extending Your Warranty (You) by Michael F. Roizen, Mehmet C. Oz There are a few big problems with this book. First, this book has two colons and three versions of the word "you" in the title alone. It sounds like it was written by a fourth grader. Second, isn't Mehmet Oz the doctor on Oprah who inexplicably shows up to her TV studio wearing hospital scrubs, like he's about to perform an emergency appendectomy? You want advice from that guy? Here's my pledge to you: no more than one colon, and no surgical scrubs. Ever.
#2 - The Pillars of the Earth (Deluxe Edition) (Oprah's Book Club) by Ken Follett It's 973 pages. 973. Did you hear me? NINE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY THREE!
#3 - Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food by Jessica Seinfeld Here's a "simple secret" to get your kids to eat vegetables: make them. I just saved you $14.97.
#4 - The Birds in My Life by The Supreme Master Ching Hai I can actually relate to this one because I have a bird in my life too; it's called a turkey. And it's delicious. But beyond that, I cannot fathom how an out of stock book about birds is beating me. I'm solving global warming, poverty and illegal immigration, yet people still care more about Polly wanting a freakin' cracker?? Is it because the author is a "Supreme Master" and I'm not? Because if that's all it takes then I'm enrolling in Supreme Mastering class Monday morning and I'll stamp "Supremer Master Glenn Beck" right on the cover of the paperback.
#5 - The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follet Where have I heard about this book before? Oh yea, it's already on the list! Hey Follet; do you really need to hog two spots? And Oprah--if you want your fans to still have enough time to watch your show, send them my way instead. I've got 100% more solutions than Follet in just 1/3 of the pages.
In summary, if you buy all of the books in front of mine then you'd learn how to make you a better you, how to communicate with birds, and how to secretly feed your kids vegetables; but what good is any of that if Islamic extremists kill us all because my book is stuck at #6?? Please, I don't want to sound overdramatic, but (and you need your best "Hereos" voiceover impression here): Buy my book; save the world.
Sincerely, (And not at all bitter or jealous)
That cracks me up.